Once, twice, and a third loop I made around the dusty gravel parking lot.

Out of habit I continued to march, and search without aim for an answer.

Between the low hum of the highway beyond the road and the crunch of gravel below, I mumbled a tired prayer.

Then my thoughts turned dark, as the day began to fade behind mountains and her friends.

I felt cut off from the One I long to love, and my heart burdened by sorrow.

This seemed to be the perfect setting for my state of being.

Though surrounded by beauty, I am featureless and gray, tinged with sad regret. My highest purpose is to be used by others when they need me.

My life reduced to the tasks I complete and the promises I keep, “What am I worth?” I wonder.

He answered softly, “I am always in you. It is you who judges you and dismisses Me.”

“When you deny your worth, you punish yourself. And we suffer the disconnect you imagine now.”

“But I am still, and always, here with you.”

For the first time, I looked up.

The stars now awake, began to light their lamps for the evening show. The grief of the day replaced by the splendor of a starry night sky.

This is why I show up to dusty parking lots on the backside of nowhere.

To find my way back to Him, through the pain and self-pity, until my hand is holding His.

Whatever distance I sense is the punishment I inflict when I feel I am not worthy.

I deny myself the touch I most long to feel, because I assume He feels the same way about me as I do.

Thankfully, He does not.

No judgement I may level or feeling I feel is as real as His love for me.

As an ancient poetically once wrote:

“I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God.”

Amen.

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